


Don't Sacrifice Yourself When Everybody Needs You

by jbsullivan17



Series: Don't Let Me Go [2]
Category: Bellarke - Fandom, The 100 (TV)
Genre: Bellarke, Canon verse, F/M, Post Season 3, Post-Canon, canon-verse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-17
Updated: 2016-11-17
Packaged: 2018-08-31 15:01:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8582881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jbsullivan17/pseuds/jbsullivan17
Summary: "What if—"Bellamy sighed, "Not this again. Clarke—""This is a good one," she paused before continuing. "What if the nuclear bombs never happened and we... nobody had to live in space, would we be friends?""I think we'd be completely different people than who we are.""Then who would you be?"He didn't say anything for a minute, contemplating his opinions. "A better brother..."





	

**Author's Note:**

> So I don't know where this came from and I yelled at my boyfriend last night to go binge watch The 100 on Netflix because he needs to be as obsessed as I am. He doesn't like that I used sex against him.

Clarke laid in the grass, staring up at the night sky, the first time the sky has been clear in weeks. They're leaving in twelve hours. Abandoning the place their people call home. Hoping to get to that one place where life will survive the explosions and radiation. She hated the rig with Luna's clan. Hated the lack of escapism she'd had on land, whether she wanted to run or not the option was there but on the rig, on the ship, there is no escaping.

Bellamy laid down next to her, though he's been avoiding her since he said he wasn't going with them. They can save someone else. Clarke, of course, argued that they need him, that she needs him, but he's stubborn just like she is.

"Are you ready?" he asked quietly.

"Are you still staying?"

"Clarke—"

His voice sounded broken, tired, like he didn't want to keep going.

Clarke sighed, she didn't want to argue with him either. They've wasted too much time arguing. "I know, nothing I say will change your mind."

They laid there in silence, watching the stars above. Bellamy used to tell her stories about the constellations, he used to do a lot of things to soothe Clarke's nerves, let her know that everything will be okay but since he said that he wasn't going nothing he said soothed her. Ever since he said it whenever they were together it's been an argument or silence and it made Clarke question impossible scenarios.

_"What if I was in love with you?" she asked when he got out of the shower the night he made his declaration._

_"Don't say that if you don't mean it," he said stepping around her to put his clothes on._

_"But what if I did and I was too scared to tell you because I don't know how you feel?"_

_"Then I'd kiss you and tell you to get on the boat." He didn't look at her when he said it, just pulled his grey cargo pants on fastening them shut._

_She did it again the next night. "What if I gave up my slot and stayed with you?"_

_"I'd knock you unconscious and put you on the boat."_

_"What if Octavia came back?" was the next night._

_"What if we all came together and told you that we need you?" The next night._

_"What if—"_

_"Enough, Clarke!"_

It's been a week and she hasn't brought it up.

"What if—"

Bellamy sighed, "Not this again. Clarke—"

"This is a good one," she paused before continuing. "What if the nuclear bombs never happened and we... nobody had to live in space, would we be friends?"

"I think we'd be completely different people than who we are."

"Then who would you be?"

He didn't say anything for a minute, contemplating his opinions. "A better brother. Maybe a soldier but only to pay for college where I'd study to become a historian. Who would you be?"

"An artist but I would probably have an urge to help people because of my parents so I'd find a way to do that. But definitely not become a doctor."

She looked over and saw a smile on Bellamy's face in the moonlight. "Yes, Clarke, I think we would be friends if we lived in the same city."

Clarke smiled before it turned into a deep frown. "I hate that you're not coming with us."

"I hate that you think I don't know you had Monty take you off that list."

"What if I wasn't lying when I said I loved you?"  
"I'm sick of this game, Clarke."

"It's not a game Bellamy, it's a question."

"I'd still force you onto that ship."

"Then tell me why!" She exclaimed, sitting up, looking down at him. "You owe me at least that."

Bellamy sat up too, ignoring the shooting star, choosing to chase the blue of Clarke's eyes. "I owe you? Clarke, you left. I found you twice and you still wouldn't come back. I owe you? You were being a coward, not coming home and seeing your friends. At least I'm facing my demons."

"You're giving up your spot on the ship because you killed six hundred people? I killed a thousand, Bellamy! I've sentenced us all to death! If you're basing whether your worthy of salvation on your number of kills then you should go and I should stay."

"Nine hundred. The culling could have been stopped if I didn't drown the radio."

"Fine, then neither of us should go."

"You are getting on that boat if it's the last thing I do."

"You can't make me get on that boat. Just like I can't make you," Clarke curled herself into a ball, wrapping her arms around her shins before tucking her head down.

Bellamy touched her shoulder, wanted desperately to tell her that she could. She could if her "what if"s just stopped and she was herself. She was real with him.

"You are who I turn to, who am I going to turn to if you're not there?"

"Raven, Monty, Miller, they're all good people. They can—"

"They're not you!" she looked at him and scoffed. "Do not talk to me unless you're on that boat tomorrow."

Clarke leaned over and kissed his cheek goodbye like they're so accustomed to but dangerously close to his lips.

She took a millisecond to see his reaction before getting up to leave. He looked as though he was let down like he'd rather she really kissed him. He doesn't get that, not now. Not when he's staying, playing the martyr.

"Clarke!" Bellamy called after her, his voice was hollow, strung out.

She couldn't turn back, she couldn't look at him without her heart breaking.

She felt his fingers wrap around her wrist, pulling her back to him, now standing and right behind her. Gently pulling her against his chest.

"What, Bellamy?" her pain clear as day in her voice.

"You want me?"

Clarke held her eyes closed, she can't look at him she's so angry. "I need you."

"I need my people to be safe."

"So do I, Bellamy! You're a part of my people! I need you to be safe! You think you're being a martyr? Saving someone else? You're just being a selfish bastard."

"You got one of those right."

"You think you're not worthy? Fine, don't believe it but think about all the people that care about you. You're leaving them, leaving me, because you're saving someone else. God, we will have enough rations, you can share my bed. Just please, Bellamy, get on the boat."

Clarke didn't know when she'd started crying, didn't know how to stop it now that it's started. She didn't know what else to say to him to convince him. She tried telling him how she felt but it wasn't like she was going to put her heart out on the line if he didn't feel the same for her.

Bellamy pulled her to his chest and she fought against him. All she wants is to be held by him but she couldn't allow it, he's breaking her heart without even knowing he could. "Ask me that first 'What if' again," he said into her hair.

"What?"

"Ask me again, Clarke," Bellamy said stronger, loosening his grip on her.

Clarke looked up into Bellamy's eyes, or what she could see in the dull grey moonlight. "What if I was in love with you?"

Bellamy's lip twitched, a momentary smirk before his calloused hands entrapped her face as he bent his face down towards Clarke's. Both fast as lightning and slow as a sloth, how could she feel it both ways?

Not important, Bellamy was kissing her, lips on lips and Clarke was frozen because it was everything that she wanted and everything she feared and she couldn't pull away because she wanted it, needed it but couldn't kiss him back because she'll be the death of him.

Everybody she loves dies.

Bellamy pulled away and just looked into Clarke's teary blue eyes, he could always read her and it hadn't changed in that moment either.

"Do you?" he asked simply, ignoring the fact that she didn't kiss him back, already seeing the reason in her eyes.

"Yes."

"Me too."

Clarke was suddenly overcome with relief as she pulled Bellamy's head back to hers so she could kiss him.

Bellamy wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her tight against his chest, tonguing the seam of her lips for more. Bellamy always seemed to want more and Clarke somehow willingly gave in, whether instant or inevitably, she did, she was.

"I love you," he murmured between breaths when they broke away.

"Bellamy," she said, her throat catching on itself.

"I know what it means to you, I know what you believe, but it isn't true. If I die, it's going to be a long time from now, after you go because I'm not going to let those words hurt you again."

Clarke was crying again, this time happy tears but he still didn't say that he was getting on the boat. She shook her head, "Bellamy."

He kissed her forehead, his lips lingering over the soft skin before looking her in the eyes, "Let's get some sleep before we get on that boat, huh?"

Clarke nodded fervently, wrapping her arms around his torso.

_He knows and he feels the same and he's getting on the boat. He's safe._

_He's safe._

**Author's Note:**

> This got out of hand...
> 
> [come play with me on Tumblr](http://thebellarkeofitall.tumblr.com/)


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